What do YOU want?

read books
played video games
slept in (when I didn't work in the mornings)

the month of june is comming and lots of stuff is happening

June 17th Brian's brother's wedding AND Maria's bridal shower... not quite sure how that's going to work out

June 20 Mary's birthday
June 21 steven's parents 25th anniversary
June 22 Steven and Cathy's birthdays
June 23-25 Steven and I are going away on a trip :)
June 28 Maria's bacchlerette (sp) party

then we can begin July with a bang (litterally)
and on the 5th is Maria's Wedding!

wooo! lots of fun this summer!

Current Mood: jubilant

So lets see...
I read Silver on the Tree, Breath, skin tight, sick puppy, nature girl and I'm currently working on alphabet of dreams...

I started a new video game, Super Mario RPG

I've been renting movies from the $1 a day thing at publix, and bought a few of those under $10 Double Feature DVD's at walmart I'm so cheap :) lol

I've been seeing Steven, ALOT! he got a new car recently 2008 honda civic, his old one has a new problem something about the oil leaking into the water...sounds bad. I'll miss that car.

I started working some real hours again at Publix, I can now start pull my checking account out of hell and start paying my doctor bills...thankgoodness for publix medical insurance by the way otherwise I'd have shot myself by now. $700 is way better than $2000.

I started thinking about my story...worked a little but had to take a break...that whole love scene seems a little coroded...it might need a comeplete overhaul.

Started using my reusable buy six get six free at duncan donuts coupon...I'm gonna be fat soon if I keep this up.

I cut my hair! chin length again. all 0.36 lbs of my hair is sitting in an envelop on my desk waiting for me to stop being lazy and drive it over to a post office to send to locks of love. In four years I will do it again. steven cut his hair the same morning...but thats not nearly as interesting :) lol

I've been waiting for FIU to screw up...but so far everything seems to be on track. but until I get certified and have a diploma to hang up next to all my sisters drawings I won't let that school off the hook.

all right I have some cats to feed, adios!

Next week Monday!

My entire history with FIU was riddled with classes that I took that I was told I needed to take that I found out later that I didn't need to take... better yet for some of them I already had the credit for it.

here is the latest in the long line of screw ups.

I took AP bio in highschool. I passed the test with a 4. when they put in my credit someone transfered it as Human biology...which is the lowest level of biology that FIU offers. At the time I thought, No way! so I went and asked another advisor, and they told me it was right...so I jhust swallowed my pride and said, Oh well...

Later on, after I'd chosen my major I realized that I needed General Bio I & II. So I took them...I remember whining about how silly it was for me to take a college general bio class again. especially when the book was obscenely expensive, and the times offered for that course were not at all convenient.

today I found out that someone had made a mistake. A 4 on the AP bio test is equal to General Bio I. A 3 is equal to human biology.

Now with this new edition these are the courses that FIU advisors made me take that I didn't need to take

College Algebra
Statistics
General Bio I
General Bio I Lab
Freshman Experience
Human Biology Lab
Genetics Lab

13 credits. I could have graduated last semester. Not only that I could have saved myself a great deal of money in Tuition, books, and Lab fees (especially Lab fees).

Lucky number 13

Oh well...I'm graduating this semester. That's all that matters anymore.

Current Location: FIU Library
Current Mood: aggravated

Sunday Afternoon while I was at work I started to feel a painful sore spot in a very intimate place. when I got home I was so tired that I went to bed without thinking about it. The next morning I woke up late and rushed to work again. while I was there I noticed that sitting was painful...standing was fine...but walking was bad too. when I got home I examined the offending area and discovered a small lump about the size of a skittle. from the way it felt I thought that something like an ant had bitten me. I decided to wait a bit before I panicked. It kept growing though and sitting and walking became even more impossibly painful. Tuesday evening steven visited me and quickly noticed that I had a fever. He made me drink fluids and sent me to bed. I didn't tell him.

wednesday was pretty awful. after doing some homework I went online and tried to look up my symptoms I found them. Something called a "Bartholin's cyst". I knew I had a problem on my hands. So I looked up some gynos who accepted BC & BS insurance, wrote down their names and numbers to call the next day after work. After calling for a few hours the earliest date I could get anyone to see a new patient was March 17.... it was the 6th. I had gotten a nurse hotline number from work roughly two weeks earlier. I used it. within a few minutes I had a registered nurse on the line after a few minutes she said the words "Bartholin's gland". she told me that I need to see a gyno... big surprise there, that if I can't wait till the 17th then urgent care or the emergency room were my only options. she also did mention that applying a warm compress would help. I called arround till I found an urgent care fascility near me, made an appointment and found a warm compress.

That's when I texted steven and told him what I'd been up to and asked him if he would come with me. he came to my house after work to check on me, announced that I had a fever made me drink fluids and sent me to bed. Friday morning he called me, asked me how I felt, asked me if my fever had gone away yet, told me to be careful. I drove to his house after work and then drove to the urgent care center. he helped me limp my way into the building and waited in the waiting room while the doctor saw to me. Apparently I was right. my left Bartholin's gland had decided that it didn't like me anymore. or at least it didn't like me not knowing about it. NOW I knew!

the doctor gave me two shots antibiotic and anti-inflammatory...which as I told steven later through text, "sitting has been a bitch all week...but right now it has become a different kind of bitch". He also gave me a percription for some pain killers and another perscription for...get this... two hot baths a day! lol! he also told me I needed to see a gyno... "damn," I thought, "can no one see me NOW?" So steven helps me limp back to my car and he drives me to publix, where he helps me limp to the pharmacy, then back to the car and drives me to his house just in time for my fever to flare back up again. he helped me change into lighter clothes forced more fluids into me and put me to bed. I woke up feeling better and refused his offer of a ride home.

the next morning I woke up and set up a hot bath for myself. upon some examination I was frightened to see that in five days my skittle had grown into the size of a strawberry. soon after I while I was getting ready for work steven showed up to drive me there. I told autumn that I wasn't feeling well and to keep me on the register because standing was about all I was really capable of doing. standing was really ok...but something the doctor at the urgent care center had failed to mention to me was that the hot baths would make it grow--and while I was scanning it was tripleing in size--practically the size of a tangerine. I couldn't really tell though because my fever had come back--full force. I was growing a bit delerious. steven came by for my lunch time and told me that I should leave but I said "no" I wanted to finnish my shift.

when it was nearing six o'clock I thought it was close to seven. there weren't any customers in my line so I turned my light off and took myself to the back office. while richard was counting me autumn called him to check...then she called me to check...I looked at the time, "richard please tell me that clock is wrong." just then Autumn walked in and asked what was wrong I burst into tears and told her I couldn't work any more and I was sorry and basically I scared her she told me it was ok I could go home and she told richard to hurry up and go check because there were customers everywhere.

I called steven and he was there in less than ten minutes. he helped me limp back to his car and drove me home. that morning my mom, olga, and gabby had gone to disney world, and mary had gone out so the house was empty. he filled the tub for me, helped me undress and put me in the water--its amazing really how good hot water can make you feel, isn't it? while I was stewing he went and selected clothes for me and found a towel then he announced that it was time to go to the hospital. I cried and I whined and begged to wait till the water got cold. he stood firm and told me no, and threatened to pull the plug. finaly I got out, he helped me dry off and get dressed--I couldn't really bend down it hurt too much.

Once again he helped me limp to the car and drove me to the south miami emergency. he helped me limp in and grabbed the clipboard on his way past put me in a chair and started filling out the paperwork. it was a light evening so pretty soon they took me into a room to do the whole height, weight, HR, BP, temp, have you ever been here before?, do you have any allergies?, do you take any drugs?, are you sexually active?, are you pregnant? deal. they put me on the "fast track" (sounds like something out of disney world doesn't it?) sent me to another room where another guy took down my insurance information and checked my ID etc. then a quick stop in another waiting room and then a room with curtains for walls. The nurse handed me a cloth gown and told me undress from the waist down and left us. he helped me tie the back of the thing that's when I noticed that I was leaking. then the nurse came back in with the doctor. they put me on that crazy thing with the crazy leg parts and told me that it had burst which was apparently a "good thing" they sprayed it with some numbing solution and as best as I could tell from the conflicting feelings I kept geting they were squeezing it like the freakin orange it had started to resemble.

usually it hurt, but every now and then they splashed more of that cold numbing stuff on and I don't know it was hurting less because of the numbing stuff or because of the release of pressure, but it was definately hurting less. throughout the whole thing steven held my hand, wiped my tears, stroked my face, and gave me paper towels to blow my nose on. when the doctor was done she went to make a call and found me a gyno to visit monday at 9 gave me another perscription this one for antibiotics told me I could get dressed and leave when I was ready. Again steven was there, helped me get dressed and tok me back to the car and drove me back home made me drink more fluids and put me to bed. Mommy came home. Steven left.

Mommy checked on me every hour or so that night. got pretty irritating after a while. after the fifth time or so I shouted, "I'm not dying you know!" I did wake up this morning feeling a heck of alot better. I took a shower. steven came over before work I warned him that if he was only comming to check on me then I didn't want him to because Ive had enough of that. he laughed.

Current Mood: okay

Ok saw the movie a while back, one week or so later I was at the bookstore and I saw the book. on an impulse I grabbed it. Personally I liked the movie very much...the ending felt a bit convoluted but the rest of the movie made up for it.

the book was a mistake. shouldn't have bothered reading it. Matheson is one of those science/fiction/horror/suspense writers that blend in the darker sides of human nature with science, surrealism, and usually puts all this in a setting of dystopia. Not my cup of tea at all.

I would like to add that the movie maker people made a mistake. They should not have said "based on the book by..." they should have put "inspired by the book by..." it would have been more accurate. in fact the way the movie turned out caused the title to no longer make sense.

The one of the basic ideas of the story (written) is the difference between what's considered normal and what's not. In the beginning human beings are normal. the vampire is so un-normal that it is legend. No body would believe in the vampire--it was so fantastical that they were too late to stop the spread of the bacteria that actually creates the "vampire". within a few years the bacteria and the infected start to coexist on a less distructive level and now changed human race start to rebuild society. but during the day while they're sleeping there's this creature--an uninfected human--who goes arround bruttaly experimenting on and killing. now legend is normal and normal--the last human being Robert Neville-- is legend.

Ive been asked what I am up to for my 23rd (damn I feel old) birthday...I'm not quite sure exactly. I work till 3...no, I can't take the day off. though I could take the day AFTER off...maybe I should have a sleepover? Those who are sleeping over must come in pajama's :D

we could eat cake, chips, burgers, hot dogs, and soda until we can't anymore. we could play games and as it gets later we could move all the couches in the living room and make a huge nest of blankets and watch movies until we fall asleep one by one. pretend we're little again :) Rule #1 no lewd behavior (we're little again remember?)

I'll think about it.

well last night karyn came over with her boyfriend, they brought stephen, pedro and jasper were also there. mary made them garlic bread till they were all stuffed. I came home from work and made some burgers and hot dogs. gabby fell asleep, mommy joined her. Steven got out of work and arrived at about 11:30ish.

basically nothing happened it was a dullish evening since most of us had worked that day and were dead tired. we did have a good laugh over stephen's late x-mas present to mary (extremely tight pants). Xavier nearly choked laughing over the book brian gave me for x-mas. my mom shouted from her room "28 seconds" our last ten was a trifle-bit convoluted but we didn't miss it and the first thing I did this year was fork steven's hot dog out of the boiling water and bun it. since gabby was asleep we decided to save the fireworks for her birthday.

the next morning after I had fed the cats I walked into my room and steven was sitting there holding jasper with the most upsetting expression I've ever seen on him, "what happened to you? why do you look so forlorn?" he could only point across my room. then I saw that Yang had finally joined her sister. He helped me bury my last gerbil, right next to her sister's grave. and today after I got back from work I cleaned out the cage.

A moment for Yang.

she was the snow white gerbil to her grey sister, Yin. Yang was the larger gerbil. she was the stronger, fiestier one. The smarter, stronger one. The first to fugure out how to use the wheel. she was a biter and even thinking about holding her was dangerous. Yang always seemed like she could take on the world. then Yin died and Yang just didn't seem the same. she was quieter. she didn't run on the wheel as much or scratch at the walls. she also started making squeaking sounds some nights, quiet squeaks that I never would have noticed if I hadn't been awake. she slept more. Yin and yang were the best sisters I ever knew. They slept cuddled up together, they never fought...Now, they're fnally back together.

Happy New Year everyone.

spent most of friday with steven. It was a good day, we played games.

I kicked his ass at chinese checkers and rock paper scissors, he kicked mine at guitar hero (we also tried to play a song on the same guitar. I strummed, he did the notes....we managed 74%...that's the best score I ever did) and Dr. Robotnicks mean bean machine (though I did get him once :D)

we watched malcome in the middle (much laughing), and michy's youtube posts (more laughing).

we chased Justin arround a little (he's getting older and BIGGER...soon we won't be able to hold him down without Darrell's help)

and we saw I am Legend. Good movie...but pet lovers beware you will sob, dog lovers like Letty, beware you will wail loudly and have to be escorted from the theatre.

some of you may already know but I am currently a hairsbreath from getting a D in Evolution. some of you are shrugging as if this isn't a big deal, but for me it is a supreme deal. I've NEVER gotten anything lower than a C in any class in my whole life. I took my final on friday. That test will determine whether I am on track for graduation in the spring or whether I'm going to have to either retake evolution or take another upper division bio course in the summer. My advisor said that since its just an elective it won't derail my internship next sping which is a load off my mind...but he doesn't reccomend taking any classes while interning. I agree. Internship is going to be stressful enough. *shudders*

about internship. I'm terrified. I feel ill-prepared (not only academically but also wardrobely) and sick to my stomach. My advisor also had some trouble placing me because there were precious few mentors ailable in my area. Finally he just placed me with someone that he felt would be "good for you" whatever that means. its not close which annoys me. actually its situated south and east of here. meaning that getting there during morning rush hour will be a b!tch thanks to tamiami airport and the coast guard/metro zoo being in the way.

I'm doing ok at work. but when internship starts I'm going to have to cut my hours painfully. Only able to work on saturdays and sundays (in the mornings so that I don't mess up my sleep rhythm). I already spoke to my boss about it she glared at me and said, "your killing me Rosy!"...which translates into "I hate you :)" I will be broke next semester especially after the christmass spending.

Steven got promoted. he is now a supervising transporter and full time,in his words "I get a nickle more per hour, more hours, benefits--and I do less work--somethings wrong here" Unfortunately for me he now works from 2:30 pm to 11 sunday thru thursday. which means that I will only really be able to see him friday and saturday nights. And any lunch breaks that either of us decide to visit the other at. I won't be visiting him much because its costs me $3 to park there, and he won't be visiting me much because its freakin FAR! I WOULDN'T VISIT ME MUCH! I'll practically be in homestead.

the time we are already spending apart is beginning to tell on us...he's calling me more :)

On the plus side Im currently on vacation.

I finnished playing Seikendetsu 3 (took me a few months but since most of that time was spent in not playing it this game was by far the fastest Ive played yet...I'm getting better) steven says "now you just have to finnish Zelda" -_-... ^_^

I read one book ("The great tree of Avalon #2") and bought/started another, "The Assassin King", the most recent (and hopefully the last) of a series of books that michy got me for a birthday present countless years ago :).

I seem to be working on alot of unfinnshed business lately.

makes me wonder if I should pick up on poor Myra's story, or if I should just let it die quietly since no one really seems to care about her, except me of course.

The first time I actually described what she looked like in the story Vanessa complained, "I can't relate to her at all!"

why? why can't you relate to someone simply because I made her look slightly overweight and pallid? why should I make another red-headed beauty, or another skinny, messy haired female harry potter?

oh well enough ranting...

went with all three of my sisters, steven, and my neighbor nicole.

of all six of us only steven, olga, and I actually read the book (only steven and I finnished it *shakes fist at Olga*)

Mary said she got the basic gist of it, I'm pretty sure Gabby was confused most of the time, but at least the effects and all the little animals running arround on screen ammused her.

Badly made film, special effects good. Acting by adults were usually top notch...the child acting was mostly terrible...but I think people who never read the book would have gotten a good idea of Lyra's character from the movie anyways. The film was very well tied to the book...that was probably its downfall...its too hard to change a book to a movie...but had they made it filmable...I probably would have been more disspointed...I might even be pissed.

so as it is I am pleased with the movie and reccomend it to people who like flashy films (like really small children) and to people who read the book if only to relive the story alittle with color.

Olga's main issue with the movie was the end...I agree with her. I really wish they hadn't cut it short like that. It was dissappointing to see how it tore away like that especially after all that loyalty to the novel shown throughout the movie.

Steven took the movie's bad points harder than I did (I find this funny considering how much he said he didn't really care to watch the film--though he did agree that the trilogy is a seriously wonderful peice of literature). He said it was terrible "worse than Harry potter" (he is of course refering to its position as a film). but unlike olga and I, he felt that they ended the movie at an apporpriate place...that it would have been too much of a "downer ending".

I actually thought the real ending was uplifting, while the shortened ending of the movie was dull and uninspireing...bland.

haven't posted in more than 2 months...

in regards to the frequent comment that I've "changed".

no one. I repeat no one knows me as well as me.

I spend alot more time than I let on, thinking. sometimes when it looks like Im reading Im actually thinking about something else. I analyze alot. and one thing that I have gone over and over and over again is myself.

I know I have problems. Things have happend in my life. from my earliest memory my history has been peppered with things that should never have happened to anyone. and the type of person I am creates new problems.

I am an "uncomfortable situation avoider".
most of my family are. in fact...mary, olga, and my mom are all "uncomfortable situation avoider"'s too. so heres that old debate about nature versus nurture rearing its ugly head...oh well...

I have a bad habit of "forgetting" things I don't want to think about...a real concern considereing the amount of "thinking" I do. anything that can protect me from my own thoughts are things that I indulge in. reading is one. steven is another. while reading is fun, it doesn't provide the same effect as steven does--he actually provides a sort of healing. so I'm not really doing anythng out of the ordinary when I spend more time with steven than I do with the rest of you...since if I hadn't been with him I would have been reading anyways....only when I'm reading you tolerate it more...I don't need to tell you why that is...you can analyze that for yourselves.

I have always resented the time Ive spent with my family. Its not a thing I'm particularly proud of. but thats just the way it is. I wanted to join clubs at school, go out with friends, etc. but instead I had to come home, watch my sisters, etc. I never really spent all that much time with them. I was just here. reading. I read all the time. I read whole books in single days. but I guess me being in the next room reading isn't the same as me being 4 miles away with steven.

I had ALOT of financial aide. I could have taken that money and gone to another school. in another city. any other florida public university. I was automatically accepted to all of them being in the top 20 program. and all three of my scholarships would have applied at any of those schools. but I didn't. I stayed in miami. I chose FIU because it was close, and therefore I could stay at home, and the money that I would have spent in housing went to help pay for my family's living instead. again...I am ashamed of being resentful. but I do resent it. I resent having chosen to stay for them.

the truth is that Ive have felt more like an unappreciated second (sometimes third) parent for my sisters all their lives. its hard being a parent at 6 years old, but I was. and I resented it. I resented the restriction that it added to my allready restricted childhood, I resented the restriction that it added to my already restricted adolescense, I resented the restriction that it holds over my restricted adulthood. Ive wanted to get out since the thought has occured to me that I could. as early as 16 I dreampt of my home in the future. a house teeming with pets and plants....and no family in sight. it was a shameful daydream. but it was/is how I felt/feel.

I want to know what its like to not feel responsible for someone else all the time... particularly them. I'm sorry to say that I'm tired of it.

so in answer to the accusations...I have NOT changed. my thoughts run the same course. I am resentful. I feel restricted. I feel too responsible. this isn't really anyones fault except my own. a character flaw that causes me to care too much. to think too much. to worry too much. that makes me want to be physically available even if Im mentally far away. just so that they can think that I'm actually here. even though I am not.

I haven't changed I haven't changed I haven't changed I haven't changed I haven't changed
I haven't changed I haven't changed I haven't changed I haven't changed I haven't changed

I still keep secrets that I think will hurt others to know. yes, olga I have one for you that I plan to take to my grave. a secret that haunts me. but I cant tell you. because then it will just huant you...and whats the point in that? youre happier not knowing. trust me.

I still resent being tied to my family. I don't know if all families are like this, I don't even know if the reason I want to be freed is because of how dysfunctional it is. I just know how I feel. Im sick and tired of being a mom. I was a mom before I even liked boys! If I'm going to mother somthing let it be something that I know shares half my chomosomes, or at least has four legs and will never talk back to me.

I still dwell on the past and worry compulsively about the future.
that may never change

they say that Ive distanced mself. not true again.

I am not much farther than I used to be. I have always been in my room in a book hiding from the world. but there came a time when you wanted more. its like I've always been on an island miles away...and you suddenly noticed. I can admit that this island has moved a bit...but you can't say that it has been all my fault. both my sisters have shut themselves away as well. distanced themselves from me. so I wasn't the only one doing any distancing.

as for my friends I'm not the only one that has put in some distance there either... whatever happend to suzy? Martha? Maria G.? big vanessa? Jessica?

alot of people have dropped off my radar. but I can't believe that Im the only one whose radar theyve dropped off of. I'm sure Karyn has dropped off quite a few radars also, but she's still a strong blip in mine since I see her at work. cathy and michy's blips aren't nearly the size that they used to be but thanks to forbidden land they still register. and if it weren't for his biweeekly visits brian could barely be considered a smudge on my screen.

maria and maria used to be very close friends of mine. we were practically inseperable. but weve grown up. and grown apart somewhat. and I know that they are there if I need them. maria A at least has let on that she understands that I'm still here if they want me. and Im prety sure G. knows it too. as for the rest of you....where's the problem?

Ive always been "not here". I was never much emotional comfort, except to be the comic relief or the upbeat one...but it was fake. I was only pretendin to be cheerful to try and make you feel better because I am incapable of healing my own wounds.... how can I begin to work on yours? so I helped the only way I knew how. and I continue to be the funny light hearted one. except when I feel that your problem is me. and then the solution appears to be to stay out of your way.

maybe its not the best idea...the best idea of course would be to talk to you....but I am of course an "uncomfortable situation avoider" so that's out of the question.

I don't know how to explain. I don't know if I should even bother.
I love him.
I do.
I don't even fully understand why. His very presence just makes me uncomparably happier than I was before he entered the room.

Its just the way my heart works.

The things he says and does that other people claim are annoying or unbearable I think are cute. I don't know, I just see through the things he says and I don't see any real harm behind them. Just the innoscent mischief of a small child. I've seen it when he does use words to harm and its very differnt, but at the same time he just seems like an upset little boy. so the harm is pitiable rather than upseting to me.

He makes me laugh.

I feel the world go still and calm when he's near me. all my problems seem to melt away, and it feels perfectly all right to just curl up in his arms and sleep the day and all my deadlines away.

I love him. that's all I can say about it.
I love him.

so when I used to mention him arround certain people and they would roll their eyes or make disgruntled noises like a bunch of pigs, it would hurt. because I think he's special, and wonderful, and deserving of at least some respect...even if its just for my feelings. So I mentioned him less and less. I find myself biting my tongue whenever I want to say something that could allude to him. but still... these people will roll their eyes and say "you got that from steven" even though it isn't true.

So here I am trying to protect my most prescious treasure. instead of being able to take it out in public so that everyone can see how happy I am I have to keep it enclosed in my pocket just to minimize the jabs, and every now and then someone will make a stab just for the hell of it. and you can't say that your just picking on him when you do that. since he's not there, and I sincerely was not thinking of him then that type action is truly an attempt to hurt my feelings there's just no other plausible explanation for it.

So lets review. Around CERTAIN people I can't mention him, I can't write about him, I can't look at his pictures if they can see me, I can't answer the phone when he calls me, I can't call him, I can't text him, basically I have to pretend he doesn't exist--otherwise they will rip at his every flaw, both real and percieved. seriously its like they took my birthday cake and spit on it.

Today I saw him. he surprised me with a visit. I was so happy to see him! I hadn't seen him since thursday. I missed him so much...

He picked up vanessa for me while I went to work and later he brought me my painkillers when I forgot them. He walked into the break room and when he passed me the pills I saw his arm...

claw marks.

I seized the other arm and saw more bloody tracks. I gently ran my fingers along one and he winced and pulled away.

Now I don't fucking care what your excuses are. but I'm sick and tired of it. he's not your pin cushion or your scratching post. He's not the reason for all your troubles.

so exactly what were you doing? defending her? from what? what did he ever do to her that merits the damage I saw to his arms? and what about me? He never hurt me while I was sleeping, but the one who did doesn't get his arm ripped open. how is that fair? what makes her so much more important and in need of protection than me? what puts her plight above respect for my love? I find it difficult to believe that he caused her any more mental damage than I have. and definatly no more than her own family or even her own boyfriend. You don't go ripping their arms open now do you?

As for you, he's always been there to help you. more than what anyone can say about most people including your family. He's picked you up when your father wouldn't--don't say he only did it because I asked. he did before we went out too. he tried to help you with your math before, for little thanks. he's really a decent sweet boy, who would gladly help you out if you asked him to. but you would never lower yourself to ever ask anyone anything especially not him...especially not nicely.

but you know what? In the end none of that matters. he's mine. He's important to me, and to my happiness. When you hurt him you cut away at my own happiness.

Steven is mine.
don't you ever hurt him again.

Current Mood: pissed off

harry potter is out...and now I have to wait...

*sigh*

I ve been re-reading the harry poter books to be refreshed for the seventh and final book when it comes out this summer...however I read to fast...

the sixth book is sitting on my desk at home now waiting for me... but I've promised myself that Im not going to touch it untill I've read everything I need to read for my test on tuesday. Chapter 8, 9, 10, 11, 19, and 20. Ive read chapter 8 and 9.5. *sigh* -_-

Ive even drawn up a schedule for myself...breaking up the reading into less than 30 pages a day with some extra space on monday to zip through all the online tutorials my professor posted on our class website...makes me wish I had one of those day planners that hermione got ron and harry in their fifth year for christmas...it couldn't hurt.

I got an 85 on my last test without finnishing the reading...guess I'm just an overachiever.

the problem is that it has become nastily difficult to read. Not my books ^_^. I never have trouble reading MY books... I mean text books. I'll read one sentence and my eyes start to blur and after a paragrapph Ive fallen asleep...literally. Maybe I'm just too tired. I don't seem to be sleeping much. oh well I can only hope things'll get better in that department also.

mary has finally finnished highschool. she's graduating this friday. I owe Kitty for covering for me at work so that I can go. mary's also got a job interview at publix today...I'll be in class so I'll miss it :D

ok I gues thats enough.

lets see..did anything interesting happen...

the saturday before mother's day I took some friends to the everglades. cynthia, karyn, nessa, steven (the bagger), and luis. if you counted your next question would be what car did we drive in....mine of course. we tried to get another vehicle or at least trade for a larger one but we failed. steven's parents went out and took both cars. my mom's car was being fixed. Karyn's car was being fixed. cynthia's parents wouldn't let her have one. my steven was of course at work, and luis is carless. so yeah it was a cramped ride. things were interesting. I have the vague feeling that the bug spray I bought sometime arround easter repels most bugs but has the odd effect of attracting a very large species of bug that olga and mary dubbed "hornet the love bug" when I took them there. Steven (the bagger) has accused me of replacing the bug spray with sugar water before our trip. we met a guy we had met on a previous trip....why is it everytime we go out with cynthia we have to beat of guys with a stick? anyways after that we dropped off luis at work, and steven at his house, then luis called us begging us to come back to publix and get $220 from him and go to best buy and buy his mother a digital camera for mother's day. we did. then we went to pizza hut and then we spent the evening in cynthia's room being girly (makeup, hairbrushes, and a british songstress were involved).

that was last week I believe...

anyways...

yesterday was sunday and mommy had a meeting at disney world (her whole store had to go) so she decided to bring us all with her.... -_-

we left at roughly 4-5 am-ish. got back home at 10:30-ish. it was mostly just the four of us. near 2-ish my mom finally joined us. we were all in a relatively decent mood at first. we went to some silly ride in MGM about all the great movies of the past (our tram was highjacked by Mugsy who later died when she tried to steal a jewel from scene in an Indiana Jones movie) then Olga, Mary and Gabby went to see beauty and the beast, I went to the tower of terror by myself. when we met up again Olga seemed to be pissed...we had no idea what happened. she cheered up later though. we were in line to see a bug's life when gabby said she needed to go to the bathroom. instead of getting back inline me and gabby went through the nature trail in asia while mary did a bugs life (she never left the line). olga had left the line but she didn't go with us to the bathroom and subsequently to the trail instead she preferred to sulk outside the exit waiting for mary. when we met up again we rode the Kali raft in asia. mary and gabby whacked moles and won a stuffed frog each. we did some shopping and after getting a dinosaur toothed necklace for a certain someone olga became much more agreeable. on our way to magic kingdom olga asked the conductor person if we could sit in the front of the monorail he let us and we had an enjoyable ride with Steve the driver. gabby and I rode on alladins carpet. we all got squirted at by some totems in adventureland. (gabby was soaked). when mommy joined us she took gabby into the swiss family treehouse, the peter pan ride, and dumbo (took me a few tries to get a picture of them flying in their elephant) meanwhile Olga, mary and I tried to work little remote control boats through some obstacles, did more shopping, and rode the merry-go-around. then we ALL went on the merry-go round (I got pictures :)) and took the train out of mickey's land to the front of magic kingdom then we took the ferry boat outta there!

interesting bit I left out of the disney trip:

beetles were having sex everywhere. in our hair, on our clothes, on our faces, our shoes, flying through the air....
it was a beetle love fest.

ok...I think Im done

since my last post Ive had some well-meaning albeit unwanted advice from some friends who's views that under normal circumstances I would consider heavily before undertaking any major steps.

but. no.

as difficult as it may be for you to understand I will not attempt or accept any more financial aide. I have my reasons. some are purely childish. others are more serious. I have spent a great deal of time considering my options and looking foward and the decision I reached a few weeks ago and posted was the best I could come up with and posting it was a sort of contract to myself NOT a cry out for help. When I put something in writing its alot harder for me to go back on my words.

I'm taking 10 credits this summer. They're already paid for.

I'm taking 6-9 credits (maybe 12...depends on what my advisor says) in the fall. And then I'll only have one class left for spring. I have a little under 2,000 left and alot of time. with less classes I can increase my availability and earn more...then save more. I'm going to get my own bank account. MY OWN! not one in which Im maried to my mother. before summer term starts.

when I graduate Im not going to just grab my degree and run. when it comes to big things like this I usually follow the really well traveled paths and give myself ample time to aclimate to new things. For crying out loud I took driver's ed in my senior year!

I'm not going into my new profession with little more than a slip of paper from FIU. I'm going to build from there using it as a prop until I have something a bit more substancial to use as a foundation this is too important to me to run full tilt into it. The experience I want to build might take a year or two. and that's what I meant when I said "...summer 08, fall 08, spring 09..." education doesn't really stop at graduation. And I won't consider myself as a "graduate" untill I'm actually practicing in the feild, in the position, for which Im being trained.

My reasons for not accepting aide anymore?
while these four years following varela have not been easy for anyone its prety safe to say that I've had the easiest ride. I've even helped pave the way for a few others. so when it comes to personal financial responsibility I've gained the least experience. I don't even know where a substancial chunk of my previous aide has gone! It simply fizzled away into the air...but I really should hold some of the blame for myself. I should have taken a stronger hold on it... but I took the easy way and just handed it over to my mother thinking that she knew best what needed it most. maybe she did...but the point is that I don't.

easy come easy go.

By now everyone knows that I want out. I want my own house, a garden I can tend, my own family, and dozens of pets that I can take to the vet regularly. I know there is a great deal involved here. health insurance, house insurance, life insurance, auto insurance, flood and fire insurance, taxes, doctor/dentist/vet bills, electricity, water, gas, permits, ... and a whole slew of others I can't think of right now. while I don't intend (Im not that foolhardy) to go out there and do it all alone I do not intend to ask myself "where did it all go?" again. I want to be in control. but I have to learn. I need the experience. the only way to get that is to actually do it. but I still have an advantage. Unlike a few others that I can name I won't be dropped into the well and forced to sink or swim...I can lower myself slowly...cutting off the strings that hold me up so that I can learn how to swim. The first string to go is financial aide.

why aide? #1 its the newest string. last one in first one out. its the one I'm least used to, it never felt permanent in the first place and it won't feel like such a loss to me afterwards (some of my other strings will hurt). #2 the hassle. its a pain to get, the paperwork seems unending and then comes the wait to see if it pulled through. then the wait for it to arrive in the mail. then the worry that at the last minute it wont and all the things that are staked on that check in the mail will crumble into dust. #3 its so easy. I don't have to do anything to cut the string...literally. #4 Its almost out anyways. there are probbably like 7 credits left for bright futures (actually I think its less). I lost the presdential scholarship when I dropped a class this semester dipping below 15 credits so thats gone. and the pell grant is based on my income which has risen quite a bit (yes 0 to something is "quite a bit"). and since I don't have that many classes left there doesn't seem like much of an incentive. #5, #6, and #7 won't make any sense to you anyways.

now please. stop nagging me about this. its my choice.

Ive decided not to attempt any more financial aide (let alone accept any).

all in all Ive gotten 11,050 for the last four years. a total amounting to more that 44,000. I know that I barely used a third of it for my own schooling. a smaller but still significant chunk was used for the schooling of others...but more than a third...just disappeared. I gave it to my mother...how it whittled away without a trace I can only fathom but not explain.

now I'm entering my fifth year. I still have just under 3,000 saved over from the last time. (I didn't give it to her). I have a job...albeit a puny one...I'm going to go into this now working my way through, taking my time...with only my small buffer and the willingness to seek help if I need it from those I have helped before.

my hopeful date of graduation is Spring of 2008...but who knows...I may slow down some more. summer of 08, fall of 08, spring of 09....who can say for sure?

either way one date is for certain. September 1, 2008. I will not be in attendance in this house beyond that date.

The next three weeks will be taken up with the last of my school business for this spring, the preparation of next summer, and birthdays. child's play compared to the mammoth steps (at least for me) that I will attempt in the few days between spring and summer towards my independance.

Ive had enough of feeling out of control.